The Referendum Relationship
She's polling everyone about you — her feelings shift based on who she talked to last.
You're not dating her — you're dating her plus her friends plus her mom plus whoever she talked to at brunch. Name it: "I feel like our relationship is being decided by a committee. I want to know what YOU think." If she can form her own opinions, there's potential. If she can't — walk.
What It Looks Like
- Every decision, feeling, or development gets processed through her committee
- “I was talking to my friend and she thinks…” / “My mom said…” / “Everyone’s telling me…”
- You feel like your relationship is being crowd-sourced
- Her feelings seem to shift based on who she talked to last
What’s Happening
She can’t trust her own judgment. The relationship isn’t between two people — it’s between you and an ever-shifting panel of advisors. Her feelings are crowd-sourced, which means they’re unstable and easily influenced.
What This Means
You’re not dating her — you’re dating her + her friends + her mom + her coworkers + whoever she talked to at brunch. The relationship will always be vulnerable to external input, and you’ll always be defending yourself to people you’re not even in a relationship with.
Navigation
- Name it: “I feel like our relationship is being decided by a committee. I want to know what YOU think and feel — not what everyone else thinks.”
- If she can form her own opinions: workable. She may have been over-relying on others out of habit.
- If she can’t or won’t — walk. You can’t build a relationship with someone who outsources her judgment.
- Test: make a decision together without her polling anyone first. See if she can do it.